Penises In The News May 28, 2013Posted by Benjamin Wendell in News Of The Weird.
Tags: biggest penis, Demi Moore, jonah falcon, pearl in penis, penis, will hannigan
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And no, this is not a piece about what a dick [fill in the blank: Rush Limbaugh/Glenn Beck/Bill O'Reilly/Ann Coulter] is.
This is about a real guy with the world’s real biggest penis.
Jonah Falcon has a documented trouser python of 9 inches flaccid and 13.5 inches erect. Let me provide a bit of perspective:
This is no joke. Falcon was stopped at security screening at San Francisco International Airport in July 2012 and frisked by TSA agents who suspected he was hiding a weapon or bomb in his pants. If this guy was a medical instrument, he’d be capable of performing simultaneous pap smears and throat swabs. Falcon has already been featured in a few documentaries and he’s back in the news after releasing the viral video of “It’s Too Big” a pop collaboration with Adam Barta. Come to think of it, why hasn’t someone made a rap song out of the famous George Costanza line: “Shrinkage, Jerry, shrinkage!”?
Meanwhile, Will Hannigan, Demi Moore’s Ashton Kutcher boytoy replacement, is apparently concerned that his manly assets are only a pale shadow of Jonah Falcon’s massive endowment, and has reportedly undergone enhancement surgery…by having a pearl inserted in his penis.
He’d best be cautious. Demi might demand it as part of a divorce settlement.
And that’s todays “Penises In The News”. Try the veal. I’m here all week.
Celebrities Behaving Badly: Christmas Is Merrier With A Sex Tape December 28, 2012Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment, Scandals.
Tags: Ashton Kutcher, chad johnson, Demi Moore, divorce, escort, kate winslet, Las Vegas, marriage, ochocinco, sex tape, suzy hamilton
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Ok, so you’ve gotta be quick when you’re in the celebrity sleaze racket. As of yesterday, the news was out that Chad Johnson, previously Chad Ochocinco, had a sex tape. As of today, just about every copy of it that his lawyers can find has been yanked off the internet. But I’m here to help. You can catch a glimpse of the vignette here and a screensave here:
By all reports, the ochocinco thing is a bit of an overestimate…but not by much.
Johnson was not the only athlete with a sex scandal. Three-time US olympian Suzy Favor Hamilton confided that she’d worked for a time as a $600/hour Las Vegas Escort.
It’s unknown whether Ms. Hamilton offered an endurance event or a sprint.
Lots of Hollywood’s finest were getting in the Christmas spirit:
“Twilight” actor Bronson Pelletier was arrested at LAX for public intoxication. The police probably would have just given him a warning, but had to cuff him when he mistook a Soutwest security door for a urinal.
“Terminator 3″ star Nick Stahl was busted by LA cops for “lewd conduct” in a Hollywood porn shop. One of the arresting officers had previously notched his vice belt on Fred Willard for the same offense. I for one am thrilled the LAPD is keeping the world safe from serial masturbators. And could someone send Stahl and Willard a memo explaining this new-fangled thing we call the internet?
In this week’s naked news:
Wendy Williams may not have gone deep on “Dancing With The Stars”, but she covers a lot of ground for PETA:
I’ve watched Wendy a lot on her talk show and on DWTS…someone went crazy with an airbrush…just sayin’.
And Hayden Panettiere isn’t quite naked, but her suggestion for a new Laker’s uniform ought to be taken seriously:
The musical chairs game that is Hollywood romance:
Ashton Kutcher finally officially filed for divorce from Demi Moore. Demi was reportedly “shocked” (but with the Botox it was hard to tell).
Tim Tebow and model Camilla Belle split the sheets…oh, wait…there were no sheets involved. Tebow is now in the market for a new team and another supermodel virgin. He might just be in luck. Catarina Migliorini, the 20 year-old Brazilian woman who auctioned off her virginity two months ago on Ebay for $780,000 has not yet closed the deal, so to speak. Now she’s done a photo shoot for Playboy, perhaps trying to bump up her market value:
Tim, trust me, opportunities like this don’t come by every day.
ESPN reporter Samantha Steele married Minnesota Vikings quarterback Christian Ponder after a three week engagement. Sort of adds a new meaning to “three and out”.
who he affectionately refers to as his ”Bunga Bunga Bunny”. (Absolutely false. I made up that last part.)
Betheny Frankel and Jason Hoppy (really?) are separated. She got pissed after he tried to force her to have a tuna sandwich and some chips.
Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth might or might not be married (and you might or might not care).
Kate Winslet IS married. Her new husband is (I’m not making this up) Ned Rocknroll. The best man was Roger Reggae and the ceremony was officiated by Harry Hip Hop. Leonardo DiCaprio walked Kate down the aisle (that part I didn’t make up).
I think that just about wraps it up after a week off. Happy New Year! Remember “The Tiger Rule”: If you make a sex tape, I WILL find it.
Celebrities Behaving Badly: Disappointing Simon Cowell Is Never A Pleasant Experience February 10, 2012Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment, Scandals.
Tags: american idol, Costa Concordia, daniel radcliffe, Demi Moore, drunk, Francesco Shettino, lingerie, Pat Sajak, paula abdul, rehab, simon cowell, underwear, Vanna White, X-Factor
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As contestants on “American Idol” discovered to their own chagrin over ten seasons: “I’m sorry. That was abysmal.” “Did your mother tell you you could sing? She was mistaken.” And so forth. So when the X-Factor was about half as successful as Simon had predicted it would be, you had to figure that someone was going to suffer his wrath. It’s not surprising that he fired Steve “I’m not Ryan Seacrest” Jones, and I suppose that maybe Nicole Scherzinger was sort of the heterosexual Ellen Degeneres of the panel, but how in the world could he can Paula Abdul? Outside of Michele Bachmann’s religious raptures, you just can’t buy that kind of crazy:
This is a woman who cries over old episodes of “Doogie Howser, M.D.” None of it really matters. X-Factor is to American Idol as RC Cola is to Coke…you’d only drink it if there were no red cans in the machine.
Tell me it ain’t so, Harry: Daniel Radcliffe admits to being totally sloshed on numerous occasions while filming the Harry Potter films. One hopes it wasn’t during the “Sorcerer’s Stone”, but they grow up fast in Hollywood. Just ask Drew Barrymore. Radcliffe’s news was a little more disheartening than hearing that Pat Sajak used to have liquid lunches with Vanna White while filming “Wheel of Fortune”. Makes you wonder how Vanna could perform such a complex task while significantly impaired:
[Note: Totally photoshopped, yet totally perfect.]
Speaking of impaired, I know you’ll all be relieved to hear that Demi Moore is in rehab, probably at some facility that costs more per day than you make in a year. Hopefully they’ll give her a tuna fish sandwich, extra mayo, chips on the side. If she’s not hungry, they could try having her smoke some weed…oh, wait…that would be wrong. Sorry. My bad.
Meanwhile, Captain Francesco Schettino of the ill-fated Costa Concordia was nonplussed when divers discovered this woman’s
lingerie in Schettino’s cabin. Schettino, who fortuitously “fell” in a lifeboat as his ship was sinking, said, “This is a total fabrication. Every member of the crew knows I wear women’s underwear.” [Note: The previous quote is a total fabrication...but he might still say it, given enough time.]
That’s all I’ve got. Another light week in Hollywood. All the batshit crazy has migrated to the campaign trail.
Celebrities Behaving Badly: One Jewish Man Who Won’t Lie To You September 30, 2011Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment, Scandals.
Tags: Ashton Kutcher, break-up, Demi Moore, Elisabetta Canalis, gay, George Clooney, jewish men lie, mistress, Nancy Grace, nip slip, Patti Stanger, promiscuity, Stacey Kiebler
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I happen to be a fan of “Millionaire Matchmaker”, mainly because I tend to feel much better about myself when I see a bunch of guys worth mega-millions who seem to have the social skills of your average teenage computer hacker. I also have a particular fondness for loud brassy aggressive Jewish women…it’s not for nothing that I’ve seen every episode of “The Nanny”, some of them two or three times on “Nick At Night”. So I’m rather familiar with Patti Stanger, who says what she thinks without any particular regard for who’s listening or who might be offended, and who thought she was wrong once…but she was mistaken.
Patti’s tendency to open her mouth well before engaging her brain landed her as celebrity moron-of-the-week, since Charlie Sheen has been on hiatus. Appearing on “Watch What Happens Live” last Sunday, Stanger generalized that gay men can’t stop being promiscuous and that “Jewish men lie”. Coincidentally, Andy Cohen, the host of the show, is Jewish and gay. Whoops! I’ll take the second contention first. I happen to be a Jewish male and while I can’t speak for all of my contemporaries, it’s a sure bet I’ve gotten myself in a hell of a lot more trouble over the years being brutally honest than I ever did dissembling. If you check the comments in any of the many articles reviewing Patti’s remarks, you’ll find a lot of remarks like, “It’s not that Jewish men lie. It’s that all men lie. They’re men.” Fine, I’ll keep that in mind next time one of you asks me if your ass looks fat in these pants.
As to Stanger’s implication that gay males are congenital man-sluts, she’s certainly not telling us anything we haven’t heard before. In this case the counter-argument that all men tend toward promiscuity might be valid…you know, that whole evolutionary benefit to spreading your seed far and wide and all that. It just seems that heterosexual men more often make the choice of monogamy, perhaps because of our understanding of the consequences doled out by our heterosexual mates if we choose to do otherwise. So the conclusion here is that all men want to sample as many partners as possible, but that gay men are just better at it. For what it’s worth, there have been countless scientific and sociological studies on this very question. A recent study showed that most gay men and heterosexual men had about equal numbers of lifetime sexual partners, but a significant minority of gay men, 13%, had stratospheric numbers. I’m never sure how much credence to put in these surveys…they depend on people answering intimate questions honestly. Let’s see how many boxes got checked “yes” on the enemas with midgets question.
Speaking of the aforementioned Charlie Sheen, “Two And A Half Men” creator and producer Chuck Lorre is reportedly writing a tell-all memoir. If it really does tell all, they may have to stock it in the horror section, right next to Stephen King. By the way, if you ever find yourself bored with Angry Birds and internet porn, you might enjoy going to Chuck Lorre’s “vanity card” site. These are the little apocryphal stories, essays, and poems you see flash by your screen briefly at the end of “Big Bang Theory”, “Two And A Half Men” and other Lorre productions. They are uniformly brilliant.
Let’s talk “Dancing With The Stars” just a little bit. I’ve already reviewed the Nancy Grace “Janet Jackson moment”, an image I’ve tried unsuccessfully to banish from memory these last four days. Nancy still staunchly maintains that the nipple we all saw was not a nipple…apparently conservative talk-show hosts don’t have nipples. We’ll check it out with Sean Hannity. Grace’s lady parts apparently aren’t the only featured anatomy on the DWTS set. The queen of TMI, DWTS alum Kendra Wilkinson, tells us that she calmed her nerves every Tuesday by having sex in her trailer with husband Hank Baskett…or three lucky members of the dance troupe, depending on who was available (ok, I made that last part up.) This Tuesday, Elisabetta Canalis, George Clooney’s ex, who committed the unforgivable DWTS sin of being pissy with her dance pro, was summarily dismissed from the ballroom. She’s had a tough year, dumpage-wise. Clooney was probably not glued to his 80 inch HDTV at the villa Tuesday night. He spends most of his time these days looking UP:
Given Clooney’s proclivity for DWTS alumni, how long can it be before he hooks up with Wendy Williams??
I’m just sayin’. You want to know how good it is to be George Clooney? I’ll tell you. While filming his new movie, “The Ides Of March”, he went skinny dipping with Marisa Tomei and Evan Rachel Wood. Hell, I’d feel lucky just to get flashed by Whoopi Goldberg, let alone get naked with Marisa Tomei. I only went skinny dipping once in my life, back in high school. I think it was the origin of the term “shrinkage”…but hey, it was COLD water.
The set of Dancing With The Stars more or less proves that the world has gone mad, but not because of the reasons you might imagine. It’s not Bruno’s bombast or the frightening proliferation of fringe, spandex, and sequins. Yesterday, someone sent a “suspicious letter” containing a white powder addressed to “Dancing With The Stars“, which spurred an evacuation and a production shut-down. Note to whichever douche nozzle perpetrated this outrageous act of terrorism: If you don’t like Chaz Bono, Carson Kressley, or even Rob Kardashian, don’t vote for them, or just go back to watching Bill O’Reilly. And I hope the next powder you smell is on the rubber gloves right before they begin your full body cavity search.
In this week’s example of art imitating life, Ashton Kutcher, who’s taken over Charlie Sheen’s part of the testosterone-sated horndog on “Two And A Half Men” has reportedly separated from his wife of six years, Demi Moore. This was after pictures emerged of Ashton with 23-y/o Sara Leal (note: Demi is 48 and Ashton is 33).
I can’t imagine what Kutcher could be thinking. If he just sticks it out with Demi a few more years, he’ll never have the embarrassment of going to CVS for tampons ever again.
Finally, and I do mean finally, it’s over between Jesse James and Kat Von D. Really. This time it’s really over. She’s having the tatt of Jesse inked over with an orangutan ass…oh, wait…no change necessary.
Celebrities Behaving Badly: Early Edition September 15, 2011Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment, Politics, Scandals.
Tags: angela merkel, big brother, Demi Moore, joan crawford, mila kunis, nude pictures, Rachel, scarlett johansson, silvio berlisconi
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I’ll be spending a three day weekend in the Windy City, not far from my blogmate’s digs, so in the interest of continuity, I’m providing my wrap-up of all the smut that fit to print (and some that’s not) a day early.
Mrs. Left and I just finished watching the finale of “Big Brother 13″ last night. My personal favorite, Rachel,
walked away with the half million, which was a huge victory for batshit crazy emotional clusterbombs everywhere. We’ve been watching Big Brother every season it’s been on except one. After all, it’s a show about a dozen buff twenty-somethings locked together in a house in California with nothing to do and CAMERAS WATCHING THEM 24/7. So what did I expect to see? You guessed it, but I figured out in season 1 that this was god’s country, and even if any of that was happening, which was rare to non-existent, the cameras immediately switched to a view of the house aquarium at the slightest hint of immodesty. Talk about bait and switch. But “Big Brother” is a big franchise, and there are versions in other countries, including the British version. Here’s what you’d see if your 60″ HDTV happened to be hooked to London cable: British Big Brother Naked Conga Line!
Just imagine what it would look like if “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” was produced in England. It gives one pause.
Speaking of those wacky Europeans, that ever irascable president of Italy, Silvio Berlisconi, was caught on tape referring to German Chancellor Angela Merkel as an “unf***able fat-ass”. Clearly he’s never spent an evening people-watching at any American shopping mall. As you watch the various couples strolling by hand-in-hand, you are immediately struck by the notion that apparently no-one is unf***able. The reproductive urge is stronger than gravity.
It’s been a big week for The Tiger Rule. Some enterprising hacker tapped into the cell phones of a bevy of Hollywood beauties, and unsurprisingly came up with a corresponding boatload of naked pics. Time is short this afternoon, and I haven’t done my usual legwork for my devoted readers, but I’ll give you a couple of the “victims” and you can root around the web yourself and see what skin you can uncover: Scarlett Johansson and Mila Kunis.
There’s one other story of naked cell phone pics, but this one I include as an example of bait and switch. The headline on Huffington Post reads: Demi Moore Tweets Nude Self-Portrait (PHOTOS). Needless to say, I couldn’t click on the link fast enought, only to find:
I guess it begs the question of “What’s the point at all?” I mean, is Demi just letting us know that she too takes showers in the nude, just like us peasants? Or that her hotel bathroom doesn’t look much different from our hotel bathrooms? Great, thanks, pass the soap.
Naked celebrities are something of a theme this week. Here’s one you won’t want to miss. Christina Crawford, of “Mommy Joan beat me with a coat hanger” fame, will be adding to her credentials as world’s most charming daughter by showing naked home movies of her famous mother in a one-woman show she’s developing (I bet that’s going to be a real hot ticket on Broadway). It’s reassuring to know that celebrities were doing this sort of thing long before the advent of video cameras and cell phones. I bet if you go back far enough, there are naked cave drawings of Neanderthal starlets.
Finally, closing out this week’s naked theme, remember TV weatherman Brett Cummins, who woke up last week after a night of partying to find himself in a tub with a dead naked guy wearing a studded dog collar? His station was compelled to accept his resignation. Go figure.
Oh…one last thing. Looks like there are a bunch of intolerant carnivores running the Tennessee Department of Motor Vehicles. They rejected this personalized license plate request from a local PETA employee:
Which reminds me. Mrs. Left and I are headed to a Mongolian grill for dinner tonight. I’ll have mine with TOFU. See you all on Monday.
It’s Friday: Time For Celebrities Behaving Badly May 13, 2011Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment, Scandals.
Tags: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ashton Kutcher, Charlie Sheen, dancing with the stars, Demi Moore, divorce, genital, Heather Mills, herpes, Kirsty Ally, Marie Shriver, open marriage, tiger woods
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Ok, so first in the “build your own joke” category, is the following headline (with a tip of the hat to friend-of-the-blog Cathy H.):
For Tiger, that barely constitutes a busy afternoon.
Then we have Kirstie Alley, who is wildly funny and doing a fabulous job on “Dancing With The Stars”, and who has clearly lost a lot of weight while rehearsing six hours a day for the last two months. But she actually said that she’s now down to a size 4 or 6:
Umm, is that American or metric?
In the category of “scandal you haven’t yet heard about but will soon” is the story of a woman who is suing an unnamed A-list Hollywood celebrity for $20 million for knowingly giving her herpes during an encounter in a Las Vegas hotel. That’s amusing enough, but what will make you snort milk through your nose is this TMZ video that asks the question “Would you take a case of genital herpes for $20 million?”
In the category of “she’s well rid of him” we have Jesse James claiming on the Howard Stern show that Kat Von D is “100% better in bed than Sandra Bullock”. In the first place, even saying such a thing is rude, tasteless, and of questionable veracity. In the second place, anyone would take one look at Kat Von D and worry about that $20 million dollar issue above. Lastly, even if Sandra Bullock was as frigid as Green Bay in January, you’d still wake up in the morning and think, “I’m sleeping with Sandra Bullock”. That’s hot.
Speaking of adultery in high places, word on the street is that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s marital problems stem directly from the ex-gov’s proclivity for housing “little Arnold” in places he ought not go. That would be suspicious claim if not for Schwarzenegger’s somewhat spotted history prior to his stay in Sacramento. The words “serial-groper” come to mind.
No surprise here: Matthew Perry Heads Back To Rehab Maybe he watched a couple episodes of “Mr. Sunshine”. If that doesn’t make you want to gobble a handful of pills, nothing will.
And the Sonny Bono award goes to: Heather Mills Hospitalized After Ski Accident This would be a sicker joke if she’d broken her leg, but alas, it was her scapula.
Finally, in the “he seems like way too nice a guy” category: Ashton Kutcher To Replace Charlie Sheen On Two And A Half Men On the other hand, maybe Chuck Lorre knows what he’s doing: Ashton Kutcher And Demi Moore Have Open Marriage, Threesomes. It’s good to be a celebrity.
Celebrity Scandal Roundup: A HUGE Day September 24, 2010Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment.
Tags: affair, american idol, arrest, Ashton Kutcher, Brittney Jones, coke, David Beckham, Demi Moore, drugs, DUI, eliot spitzer, House Judiciary Committee, jail, Jennifer Lopez, katy perry, kristin davis, lindsay lohan, Marc Anthony, mel gibson, Oksana Grigorieva, Posh Spice, Sesame Street, Stephen Colbert
Man, this is better than having Dancing With The Stars, Survivor, and Hell’s Kitchen on all at the same time, and that doesn’t even begin to encompass the joy at the return of Millionaire Matchmaker. (Patty is thinner and bitchier now that her own engagement went the way of the Titanic. She’s not taking any crap from anyone this season.)
Okay, let’s begin with LiLo. Lohan shows up in court expecting a stern talking-to, a new doper anklet, and some more celebrity probation, and before you can say, “Will the defendant please rise?” she’s in cuffs and being perp-walked to the pokey. Apparently the bar is set pretty high in Hollywood. Somewhere around your sixteenth or seventeenth DUI, coke bust, or probation violation, you actually have to do some time. It’s just fortunate she filmed the MTV skit with Chelsea Handler before she got sent to the big house.
Meanwhile, in the department of “Blurring the lines between fantasy and reality”, we had the spectacle of Stephen Colbert testifying before the House Judiciary Committee on the matter of immigrant farm labor. Colbert’s qualifications? He parodies a conservative commentator on his Comedy Central show. This is like if the guy who used to do the “I’m not a doctor but I play one on TV” schtick was appointed as the Undersecretary of Health and Human Services.
Let’s move on to the ever-expanding category of famous guys who can’t keep their peckers in their pants. The latest reported philanderer is none other that Mr. Posh himself, David Beckham. The story is that he paid big bucks for a threesome with two high-priced escorts (with the added somewhat embarassing detail that the encounter lasted 3-4 minutes…not exactly Tiger stats). The first question that comes to mind is why a guy like Beckham would have to pay to get a couple of girls to play share-the-lollipop. The answer, I suppose, is that he probably figured he was paying for discretion and privacy. Apparently he didn’t pay enough. When he denied the first hooker’s story, Kristin Davis, the madam who outed Eliot Spitzer, chipped in with the info that she had sent the second pro to the party. Can the sex tape be far behind?
Meanwhile, over in Cougar-Land, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore spoke together at the Clinton Global Initiative (just one step lower than the House Judiciary Committee), looking like the classic love-birds despite reports emerging of Kutcher’s text messages to his 21 year-old lover Brittney Jones. It’s clear that no one in Hollywood learned a thing from the Tiger saga. They put hubris in the Grey Goose in every trendy club in LA.
We’re not done. The Mel Gibson tragedy just gets uglier and uglier. The latest twist is the report that Mel’s baby-mamma Oksana Grigorieva, had been paid $15 million (!!!) to destroy the incriminating tapes of Mel devolving into a slobbering lunatic. The implication is that she backed out of the deal, looking for even more money. Huh? Is she stupid? For fifteen mil, Mel can come over to my house right now and scream directly in my ear that I’m a stupid motherfucking whore for twenty-four hours straight. I’ll even serve cocktails and canape’s to keep his vocal cords lubricated.
In another example of failure to appreciate the obvious, Marc Anthony, Jennifer Lopez’s husband, is unhappy about J-Lo’s new gig on American Idol…the one she’s getting $12 million for. His complaint? He doesn’t want to have to spend so much time in LA. Give me a break. It’s twelve freaking million bucks. And if I’m married to Jennifer Lopez, if she gets a job in Kurdistan, I’m trailing that booty all the way to the goat farm.
Finally, why they still laugh at us in Europe: Katy Perry got cut from Sesame Street because she was showing too much cleavage. Madness. The viewers of this show only stopped getting their meals from oversize mammaries a few months ago. They’re not going to turn into sex offenders just because Katy doesn’t dress like a Mennonite. And no matter what the religious wingnuts claim, Bert and Ernie are NOT gay (not that’s there’s anything wrong with that).