Left, Right, and Centered

Celebrities Behaving Badly: One Jewish Man Who Won’t Lie To You September 30, 2011

I happen to be a fan of “Millionaire Matchmaker”, mainly because I tend to feel much better about myself when I see a bunch of guys worth mega-millions who seem to have the social skills of your average teenage computer hacker.  I also have a particular fondness for loud brassy aggressive Jewish women…it’s not for nothing that I’ve seen every episode of “The Nanny”, some of them two or three times on “Nick At Night”.  So I’m rather familiar with Patti Stanger, who says what she thinks without any particular regard for who’s listening or who might be offended, and who thought she was wrong once…but she was mistaken.

Patti’s tendency to open her mouth well before engaging her brain landed her as celebrity moron-of-the-week, since Charlie Sheen has been on hiatus.  Appearing on “Watch What Happens Live” last Sunday, Stanger generalized that gay men can’t stop being promiscuous and that “Jewish men lie”.  Coincidentally, Andy Cohen, the host of the show, is Jewish and gay.  Whoops!  I’ll take the second contention first.  I happen to be a Jewish male and while I can’t speak for all of my contemporaries, it’s a sure bet I’ve gotten myself in a hell of a lot more trouble over the years being brutally honest than I ever did dissembling.  If you check the comments in any of the many articles reviewing Patti’s remarks, you’ll find a lot of remarks like, “It’s not that Jewish men lie.  It’s that all men lie.  They’re men.”  Fine, I’ll keep that in mind next time one of you asks me if your ass looks fat in these pants.

As to Stanger’s implication that gay males are congenital man-sluts, she’s certainly not telling us anything we haven’t heard before.  In this case the counter-argument that all men tend toward promiscuity might be valid…you know, that whole evolutionary benefit to spreading your seed far and wide and all that.  It just seems that heterosexual men more often make the choice of monogamy, perhaps because of our understanding of the consequences doled out by our heterosexual mates if we choose to do otherwise.  So the conclusion here is that all men want to sample as many partners as possible, but that gay men are just better at it.  For what it’s worth, there have been countless scientific and sociological studies on this very question.  A recent study showed that most gay men and heterosexual men had about equal numbers of lifetime sexual partners, but a significant minority of gay men, 13%, had stratospheric numbers.  I’m never sure how much credence to put in these surveys…they depend on people answering intimate questions honestly.  Let’s see how many boxes got checked “yes” on the enemas with midgets question.

Speaking of the aforementioned Charlie Sheen, “Two And A Half Men” creator and producer Chuck Lorre is reportedly writing a tell-all memoir.  If it really does tell all, they may have to stock it in the horror section, right next to Stephen King.  By the way, if you ever find yourself bored with Angry Birds and internet porn, you might enjoy going to Chuck Lorre’s “vanity card” site.  These are the little apocryphal stories, essays, and poems you see flash by your screen briefly at the end of “Big Bang Theory”, “Two And A Half Men” and other Lorre productions.  They are uniformly brilliant.

Let’s talk “Dancing With The Stars” just a little bit.  I’ve already reviewed the Nancy Grace “Janet Jackson moment”, an image I’ve tried unsuccessfully to banish from memory these last four days.  Nancy still staunchly maintains that the nipple we all saw was not a nipple…apparently conservative talk-show hosts don’t have nipples.  We’ll check it out with Sean Hannity.  Grace’s lady parts apparently aren’t the only featured anatomy on the DWTS set.  The queen of TMI, DWTS alum Kendra Wilkinson, tells us that she calmed her nerves every Tuesday by having sex in her trailer with husband Hank Baskett…or three lucky members of the dance troupe, depending on who was available (ok, I made that last part up.)  This Tuesday, Elisabetta Canalis, George Clooney’s ex, who committed the unforgivable DWTS sin of being pissy with her dance pro, was summarily dismissed from the ballroom.  She’s had a tough year, dumpage-wise.  Clooney was probably not glued to his 80 inch HDTV at the villa Tuesday night.  He spends most of his time these days looking UP:

Given Clooney’s proclivity for DWTS alumni, how long can it be before he hooks up with Wendy Williams??

I’m just sayin’.  You want to know how good it is to be George Clooney?  I’ll tell you.  While filming his new movie, “The Ides Of March”, he went skinny dipping with Marisa Tomei and Evan Rachel Wood.  Hell, I’d feel lucky just to get flashed by Whoopi Goldberg, let alone get naked with Marisa Tomei.  I only went skinny dipping once in my life, back in high school.  I think it was the origin of the term “shrinkage”…but hey, it was COLD water.

The set of Dancing With The Stars more or less proves that the world has gone mad, but not because of the reasons you might imagine.  It’s not Bruno’s bombast or the frightening proliferation of fringe, spandex, and sequins.  Yesterday, someone sent a “suspicious letter” containing a white powder addressed to “Dancing With The Stars“, which spurred an evacuation and a production shut-down.  Note to whichever douche nozzle perpetrated this outrageous act of terrorism: If you don’t like Chaz Bono, Carson Kressley, or even Rob Kardashian, don’t vote for them, or just go back to watching Bill O’Reilly.  And I hope the next powder you smell is on the rubber gloves right before they begin your full body cavity search.

In this week’s example of art imitating life, Ashton Kutcher, who’s taken over Charlie Sheen’s part of the testosterone-sated horndog on “Two And A Half Men” has reportedly separated from his wife of six years, Demi Moore.  This was after pictures emerged of Ashton with 23-y/o Sara Leal (note: Demi is 48 and Ashton is 33).

  I can’t imagine what Kutcher could be thinking.  If he just sticks it out with Demi a few more years, he’ll never have the embarrassment of going to CVS for tampons ever again.

Finally, and I do mean finally, it’s over between Jesse James and Kat Von D.  Really.  This time it’s really over.  She’s having the tatt of Jesse inked over with an orangutan ass…oh, wait…no change necessary.

BW