Left, Right, and Centered

Celebrity Scandal Roundup: A HUGE Day September 24, 2010

Man, this is better than having Dancing With The Stars, Survivor, and Hell’s Kitchen on all at the same time, and that doesn’t even begin to encompass the joy at the return of Millionaire Matchmaker.  (Patty is thinner and bitchier now that her own engagement went the way of the Titanic.  She’s not taking any crap from anyone this season.)

Okay, let’s begin with LiLo.  Lohan shows up in court expecting a stern talking-to, a new doper anklet, and some more celebrity probation, and before you can say, “Will the defendant please rise?” she’s in cuffs and being perp-walked to the pokey.  Apparently the bar is set pretty high in Hollywood.  Somewhere around your sixteenth or seventeenth DUI, coke bust, or probation violation, you actually have to do some time.  It’s just fortunate she filmed the MTV skit with Chelsea Handler before she got sent to the big house.

Meanwhile, in the department of “Blurring the lines between fantasy and reality”, we had the spectacle of Stephen Colbert testifying before the House Judiciary Committee on the matter of immigrant farm labor.  Colbert’s qualifications?  He parodies a conservative commentator on his Comedy Central show.  This is like if the guy who used to do the “I’m not a doctor but I play one on TV” schtick was appointed as the Undersecretary of Health and Human Services.

Let’s move on to the ever-expanding category of famous guys who can’t keep their peckers in their pants.  The latest reported philanderer is none other that Mr. Posh himself, David Beckham.  The story is that he paid big bucks for a threesome with two high-priced escorts (with the added somewhat embarassing detail that the encounter lasted 3-4 minutes…not exactly Tiger stats).  The first question that comes to mind is why a guy like Beckham would have to pay to get a couple of girls to play share-the-lollipop.  The answer, I suppose, is that he probably figured he was paying for discretion and privacy.  Apparently he didn’t pay enough.  When he denied the first hooker’s story, Kristin Davis, the madam who outed Eliot Spitzer, chipped in with the info that she had sent the second pro to the party.  Can the sex tape be far behind?

Meanwhile, over in Cougar-Land, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore spoke together at the Clinton Global Initiative (just one step lower than the House Judiciary Committee), looking like the classic love-birds despite reports emerging of Kutcher’s text messages to his 21 year-old lover Brittney Jones.  It’s clear that no one in Hollywood learned a thing from the Tiger saga.  They put hubris in the Grey Goose in every trendy club in LA.

We’re not done.  The Mel Gibson tragedy just gets uglier and uglier.  The latest twist is the report that Mel’s baby-mamma Oksana Grigorieva, had been paid $15 million (!!!) to destroy the incriminating tapes of Mel devolving into a slobbering lunatic.  The implication is that she backed out of the deal, looking for even more money.  Huh?  Is she stupid?  For fifteen mil, Mel can come over to my house right now and scream directly in my ear that I’m a stupid motherfucking whore for twenty-four hours straight.  I’ll even serve cocktails and canape’s to keep his vocal cords lubricated.

In another example of failure to appreciate the obvious, Marc Anthony, Jennifer Lopez’s husband, is unhappy about J-Lo’s new gig on American Idol…the one she’s getting $12 million for.  His complaint?  He doesn’t want to have to spend so much time in LA.  Give me a break.  It’s twelve freaking million bucks.  And if I’m married to Jennifer Lopez, if she gets a job in Kurdistan, I’m trailing that booty all the way to the goat farm.

Finally, why they still laugh at us in Europe: Katy Perry got cut from Sesame Street because she was showing too much cleavage.  Madness.  The viewers of this show only stopped getting their meals from oversize mammaries a few months ago.  They’re not going to turn into sex offenders just because Katy doesn’t dress like a Mennonite.  And no matter what the religious wingnuts claim, Bert and Ernie are NOT gay (not that’s there’s anything wrong with that).

BW