Celebrities Behaving Badly: “I Just Wanted Something In My Mouth” November 16, 2012Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment, Scandals.
Tags: marijuana, simon cowell, Justin Bieber, assault, smoking, Hope Solo, Madonna, kristen stewart, mooning, carmen electra, selena gomez, DWTS fixed
And Rupert Sanders isn’t always available…Thank you Kristen Stewart, for explaining to Conan O’Brien why you smoked cigarettes.
Hey, wait a minute…that’s not a cigarette. Kristen, just buy the condo in Vail and stop apologizing. Trust me on this.
It’s been a very confusing week in celebrity mattress roulette:
1-Katy Perry and John Mayer are still dating. Taylor Swift told her not only that it’s goooood, but that it’s a sure bet for a subsequent #1 on the Billboard pop chart.
2-Taylor Swift, in a Harper’s Bazaar interview, bemoaned that all the stories about her dating history made her cry…but that she dried her tears with thousand dollar bills after “Red” sold 1.2 million copies in the first week alone.
Which just proves that you can wear all the tacky t-shirts you want if you happen to have a quarter of a billion dollars.
4-Hope Solo, who makes her living being a brass-balled bitch, was engaged to former NFL tight end Jeramy Stevens, who was arrested at 4:30 in the morning on Monday after allegedly punching Solo’s lights out (alcohol was involved). The lovebirds have been dating for two months. Solo iced the bruises and dry-swallowed a handful of Advil, and she and Stevens were married on Tuesday. You may all start your stopwatches….now.
Ok, fine, so I used the story purely as an excuse to include a naked pic of Solo, but she deserves to be exploited after what she said in her explosive memoir: Aside from claiming that Maks slapped her during a rehearsal (we’re sensing a pattern here), she maintains that “Dancing With The Stars” IS FIXED!! In earlier centuries, that sort of heresy would earn you a spot as kindling for a rather large bonfire. As poor losers go, she makes Romney and Ryan look gracious and magnanimous by comparison.
5-Speaking of DWTS, Cheryly Burke says she’d like to be ABC’s next “Bachelorette”.
Sign me up.
6-Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have split the sheets. I’m devastated. I thought this one was forever.
On a related note, Garafalo just discovered that she has a penis.
Finally, Full Moon Over Manhattan:
At Madonna’s concert in NYC Monday, she encouraged the crowd to throw money on the stage for Hurricane Sandy victims. Says Madge,”If you want to look at the crack of my ass, you better raise some cash”. Sounds fair to me.
Celebrities Behaving Badly: Take That, Mitches! November 9, 2012Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment, Politics, Scandals.
Tags: byonce, jermaine jackson, lady gaga, Madonna, mitches, no make-up, pimps and whores, supermodel, Ted Nugent, tyra banks
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Ok, so it was another very weak week for celebrity scandals. Ninety percent of celebrities were either campaigning for Barack Obama or celebrating his reelection. The other ten percent were having their attorneys write letters to the Romney campaign to tell them to stop using their songs. By the time Romney gave his concession speech, he was pretty much reduced to “Battle Hymn of the Republic”. The best post-election comment of the week is the one in the title, that came from Beyonce:
Meanwhile, over in crazytown, we’ve got Ted Nugent:
who tweeted: Pimps whores & welfare brats & their soulless supporters hav a president to destroy America. Hey, Ted, don’t hold back. Tell us what you really think.
Nugent is a lot scarier because he’s armed and dangerous. I’d be a lot more afraid of Jermaine Jackson if I knew he had a gun, because he’s clearly gone a couple inches off the rails himself:
Jackson has petitioned the court to change his last name from Jackson to Jacksun. Yeah, that’s gonna help distance him from his dead pedophile brother. Also, is that his real face or one of those latex appliances the make-up artists glue on?
Speaking of faces, guess who this is:
That’s supermodel Tyra Banks, who successfully proves that the road from regular person to Victoria’s Secret is pretty much paved with Revlon and Maybelline.
In the world of celebrity rumors and feuds, now that we’ve found out that Rod Steward never breakfasted on sailor sperm, Ke$ha has shared with us that she has NOT had sex with Justin Bieber, and Madonna let us know that she asked Lady Gaga to join her on stage for a duet, but Gaga told her to take her wrinkled liposuctioned collagen-infused washed-up ass out her face…Ok, I made that last part up. Gaga politely declined.
Remember how I told you last week that Miley Cyrus had employed adult film actress Jessie Andrews in her latest music video? Well it wasn’t long before the next obvious leap was taken: Martin Ellison, media director for Sex.com, has offered Cyrus a million bucks to do a soft-core girl-on-girl porn video with Andrews
(unless, of course, she wants to do more). We’re still awaiting Ms. Cyrus’ response.
Finally, a special thanks to Charlie Sheen, who’s been sadly absent from this column for many long weeks. Charlie’s being investigated by the LAPD for threatening in a text message in regard to a former associate, “I’ll blow his head off with my Super-90″.
Hey Charlie, have another shot of Jack and a snort of blow. We’ve missed you.
Celebrities Behaving Badly: Where’s Waldo? September 7, 2012Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment, Politics, Scandals, Uncategorized.
Tags: break-up songs, jake gyllenhaal, john mayer, katy perry, Kennedy, Madonna, mitt romney, nicki minaj, pussy, taylor swift, vma
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I didn’t watch live, since Mrs. Left and I were dancing at the time, and I didn’t watch on DVR because I thought the better rock ‘n roll show was happening in Charlotte, but I did catch the video clip of Swift’s closing performance at last night’s MTV Video Music Awards. She did “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” which is reputedly her break-up song after a brief affair with Jake Gyllenhaal. It’s worth watching the clip. She absolutely nailed the performance, although she’ll never be mistaken for Madonna where the dancing portion is concerned. She did, however, do something Madonna USED to do. She sang live, and she didn’t miss a note, even as she was attempting the simple choreography while clearly trying to do the eight-count in her head. Taylor Swift has made a cottage industry out of writing acerbic odes to ex-lovers. Previous victims have included Taylor Lautner and John Mayer (who incidentally has enjoyed more high end Hollywood pussy than the LA Humane Society). Clearly, Swift’s sweet fresh-faced exterior hides a seething psycho-bitch within. Swift is currently stalking…umm, I mean dating…Conor Kennedy. If history provides any insight, this relationship’s sell-by date is rapidly approaching. Before Swift pens her next “eat shit and die you pencil-dick douchebag” break-up song for Kennedy, I’ve got three very important words that she’d be wise to consider: Mary Jo Kopechne. Just sayin’.
Speaking of John Mayer and…well, you know…
Word on the street is that he and Katy Perry are back together. Purrrrrfect.
In the interest of full disclosure, I stole the following bit (paraphrased) from Jon Stewart, but it’s worth repeating: We are clearly on our way to living in a post-racial America when Seal can refer to Heidi Klum schtupping her white bodyguard as “fornicating with the hired help”.
It’s been another week of cross-pollination between Hollywood and D.C. Chuck Norris, who was apparently separated from Ted Nugent at birth, has watched his Blu-Ray edition of “The Lord of the Rings” one time too many. He said this week that if Obama is re-elected, the US faces “1000 years of darkness”. He’d originally said “1000 years of darkies”, but they re-edited the tape when someone thought that might be a little offensive.
Finally, in the category of “politics makes strange bedfellows”, this week’s most articulate and heartfelt endorsement in a song: “I’m a Republican voting for Mitt Romney, you lazy bitches is fuckin’ up the economy” from
Nicki Minaj. There’s nothing else to say.
Celebrities Behaving Badly: Good News: Another Naked Celebrity. Bad News: It’s Randy Travis. Better News: Kate Upton Too. August 10, 2012Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment, Scandals.
Tags: drunk, elton john, fairground stripper, henrik rummel, kate upton, Madonna, naked, penis, randy travis
There was really no competition for the celebrity raging lunatic of the week.
Randy Travis was arrested in Texas after his 1998 Pontiac Grand Am (real men drive classic American muscle cars) slammed into some roadside construction barriers. Travis was found laying in the middle of the roadway, drunk as a skunk, and totally bare-ass pecker-in-the-wind road-rash naked. He threatened to kill the troopers who arrested him, but someone still loaned him a t-shirt for the mug shot classic above. We can only assume that when he sobered up enough to speak, his first words to the police must have been, “Officers, this isn’t what it looks like.”
But look, since I’m a firm believer of the journalistic axiom, “skin to win”, I can’t just leave my readers imagining with some fleeting nausea the Randy Travis arrest scene. As something of a palate cleanser, it’s only fair to mention that Kate Upton, Victoria’s Secret model and SI swimsuit covergirl, did a fashion shoot for “Contributor” magazine. Included in the “contributions” were shots like these:
Many thanks to Kate and the photographer for the artful use of arms and legs that allow me to post this image in a “family friendly” blog without causing undo castigation from my blogmate and Mrs. Left.
But as long as we’re skipping blithely along down Borderline (Tasteless) Boulevard, it’s only fair to share this touching Olympic moment, courtesy of genius EW reviewer Annie Barrett:
Apparently American rower Henrik Rummel was really really happy to win a bronze medal. In the most delicious irony of the games, the medal came in the coxless four. (I’m not making this up.)
If we’re going to discuss an Olympic athlete who genuinely was behaving badly, we’re going to have to mention the world’s fastest, and apparently most arrogant, narcissistic and petty man…Usain Bolt. All of his showboating and posing for the cameras was considered charming and eccentric until he capped the sundae of his win in the 200 meters with the cherry of a proclamation, “Carl Lewis…nobody remembers who he is…” Classy….
Speaking of classy, how about Kanye West? In the category of “damned with faint praise”, he debuted his touching new song about girlfriend Kim Kardashian…”Perfect Bitch”. I don’t know about you, but that sort of sentimentality just brings a tear to my eye.
In the category of “everyone loves a good girl fight”, Elton John, continuing his feud with Madonna, said in a recent interview that her career was over, adding, “She’s such a nightmare, she looks like a fucking fairground stripper.” By the way, for those of you who don’t understand the metaphor in regard to fairground strippers, I’d highly recommend renting the DVD for the first season of HBO’s “Carnivale“, which they NEVER should have cancelled:
Rita Sue and Libby weren’t even close to being the series quirkiest characters. Elton John was the least of Madonna’s problems. She received death threats in advance of her concert in St. Petersburg, Russia. This was after her vocal support of Russian activist punk band Pussy Riot…which is coincidentally her gynecologist’s pet name for her.
In the category of “anyone not see this coming?”, the National Enquirer reports that Macaulay Culkin is wasting away from a heroin addiction. (And before you all go, “Well, what do you expect from a rag like the Enquirer?”, just remember that these are the same folks who broke the John Edwards scandal while “real” newspapers still thought he was the Democratic Party’s great white hope.) It seems that Culkin took up the Afghan powder cure right after he got dumped by girlfriend Mila Kunis which was right before Kunis took up with Ashton Kutcher
which was after Kutcher divorced Demi Moore which was before 49 year-old Demi took up with 37 year-old New Zealand actor Matt Henderson, which was after…oh, never mind.
Finally: Two jello shots and a couple of beers later,at the reception for the Secretary of State in South Africa, Hillary slurred, ”Henry fucking Kissinger couldn’t dance worth a shit.”
That’s all I’ve got.
Tags: Home Alone, Katie Perry, Kim Kardashian, Madonna, marijuana legalization, naked, nipple, octomom, porn tape, Roseanne Barr, see-through, sex tape
I’m a radiologist who does thousands of mammograms every year. I have the opportunity to see a LOT of fifty year-old nipples, both on film and in person. I’d say about them virtually the same thing Mrs. Left says about every male’s favorite body part: “You’ve seen one, you’ve seen ‘em all.” But Madonna, whose voice and dance moves have lost a step or two since those nearly forgotten days of “Like A Virgin”, seems to feel that a little skin will put more butts in more seats, spontaneously pulled her right nipple out of her black lace bra at her concert tour stop in Istanbul last Thursday. Judging by what Mrs. Left and I saw in Turkey at about the same time, it’s a wonder the Sharia authorities didn’t apprehend Madge and flog her within an inch of her life (which also wouldn’t exactly be a new experience for the composer of “Spank Me”). Later in the same tour, as Madonna was apparently shadowing us through the Mediterannean, the concertgoers in Rome were denied a glimpse of her royal nipplage, but treated to a moonshot of her black lace thong. Anyway, if you don’t click on the link and watch the video (you really should), and you’d still like to see what Madonna showed all those guys with the dark stubble and unibrows, I’m here to help:
Clearly, this is a woman is comfortable in her own skin, even if it’s been surgically tightened several times over. What she isn’t comfortable with is living in the same world with peasants like you and me. Her long list of demands on the MDNA tour includes a dressing room with 20 international phone lines and light pink roses with stems trimed to PRECISELY six inches. Fortunately, she brings a squad of six Ubekistani dwarves to attend to her personal hygiene (I totally made that up…but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t be true.)
In other celebrity skin news, Katy Perry seemed to not realize that her see-through body suit at the MuchMusic Awards could be…ummm…well…seen through:
Nice vagazzling, Katie.
Here’s one celebrity I promise I won’t show you nude: Roseanne Barr Calls Nancy Pelosi A Criminal. Pelosi retorted that Barr was a “fat has-been skank-whore” and a hair-pulling screaming girl-fight ensued. (Ok, I completely made that up, but it sounds like a great skit for SNL, no?) Did you know that Roseanne is running for president? Given that her number one policy plank is marijuana legalization, she might just get a vote or two. (Note to Mitt Romney: If Marco Rubio doesn’t work out, Roseanne could be your Sarah Palin moment.)
And here’s one more celebrity you don’t really want to see naked, but like Mick Jagger says, you can’t always get what you want:
That’s right, boys and girls. Octomom Nadya Suleman’s first porn video, “Home Alone”, has been released by Wicked Video. It’s just her pleasuring herself, because frankly, after dropping eight rug rats through her vaj-jay-jay, no guy was up to the task.
While we’re on the topic of completely inappropriate objectification of women, here’s this week’s best pic of my favorite SOSILF:
Put that in your cigar and smoke it, Monica.
In a somewhat more conventional MILF-tale, Kris Humphries, who’s adding a whole new dimension to the term “sour grapes”, claims that Kris Jenner actually staged the sex-tape that made Kim Kardashian and the rest of the K Klan obscenely famous. I suppose anything is possible. I can just imagine it: “Cut, Cut, Cut! Just stop. Kim, damn it, stop turning around and looking at the camera . We’re getting you from your best side. Alright Ray-J, positions….and….ACTION!”
Bad week for bad boys: Chris Brown and Drake got into a brawl at a New York night club last Wednesday over…you guessed it…Rihanna. Who’d have ever figured these guys were into violence? I’m shocked. If you really want shocking, take a look at Joe Eszterhas’ recently released unauthorized biography of Mel Gibson. If the tales of anti-semitism, Holocaust denial, violent misogyny and megalomania don’t convince you to never see another Gibson film as long as you live, maybe the story of Mel’s personal home colonic suite will give you pause. This is a guy who will probably have inscribed on his tombstone (and not soon enough for my taste): “You should just fucking smile and blow me. Cause I deserve it.” What eloquence! And finally, the story of the human cockroach, the celebrity whose career could survive a direct hit by a hydrogen bomb:
That’s it. I got nothin’.
A Brief Note To Columbo, AKA “Mr. Cultural Arbitor” May 21, 2012Posted by Benjamin Wendell in crime, Entertainment.
Tags: George Zimmerman, Geraldo Rivera, hoodie, Madonna, Marilyn Monroe, Smash, Trayvon Martin
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First off, as far as Madonna vs. Marilyn goes, it’s hard to predict what and who will turn out to have long-term cultural significance, but I suspect that if my blogmate and I could magically appear back at our alma mater in 2212 and buy the textbook for Twentieth Century American History 101, both of them would rate a sidebar with a glossy photograph. They’d be noted as cultural icons of different generations. While I suspect that my blogmate would predict that Marilyn Monroe’s talents would be reviewed more favorably than Madonna’s, I’m not so sure. As a side-note, Mrs. Left and I have watched the full season of “Smash” on NBC. In the play within the play, “Smash” focuses on the making of “Bombshell”, a broadway musical about the life of Marilyn Monroe. In fifty years, might someone do the same thing with Madonna? Why the hell not?
Back to the case of Zimmerman and Martin: I applaud my blogmate’s analysis of the minutiae of the case and wonder whether he wouldn’t have beeen a successful criminal attorney if he’d gone across the street to NU Law School instead NUMS…probably not…he’s got way too much integrity. But perhaps this highlights some basic difference between conservatives and liberals. My blogmate is caught up in all the details while I’m focused on the bigger picture. Sure, maybe there’s ten or twelve minutes for which to account, and it’s not inconceivable that Trayvon Martin was doing something during that time which might appear “suspicious” to an outside observer. Geraldo Rivera, for one, refuses to back down on the “thug-wear” meme of Martin’s hoodie, which, by the way, makes a goodly number of undergrads right here at IU potential thugs. But all of this is just pure speculation. There continues to be at least one unarguable fact: Trayvon Martin was unarmed. Even if he was contemplating some sort of mischief, whether burglary or vandalism or drug dealing, there is nothing he could have thought about doing or actually done that would warrant a death sentence. That’s why George Zimmerman is going on trial, and whether he’s guilty of manslaughter or second degree murder or assault with a deadly weapon is immaterial to the larger issue. At the very minimum, he’s guilty of stupidity, which fortunately for him and a lot of other people, isn’t punishable by jail time.
Superbowl: Aside From The Game February 6, 2012Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment, Sports.
Tags: Aaron Rodgers, commercials, lip-synch, Madonna, superbowl
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1- Who knew that Aaron Rodgers could not only throw a football, but can handle a microphone? He’s bright, informative, and articulate. Just like Peyton Manning, this guy doesn’t have to worry what he’ll do when the knees finally give out.
2- Kelly Clarkson did a brilliant rendition of the National Anthem. Just shows that about one time in five “American Idol” gets it right.
3- Overall, about the least impressive bunch of Superbowl commercials in a long time. Well…except for Danica Patrick and GoDaddy.com, of course.
4- It looked to me as if Madonna lip-synched her whole set. IMHO the worst live performance still outshines the best pre-recorded one. If I wanted to see a Madonna video, I’d go to YouTube.
5- Indianapolis put together a hell of a show. The NFL has got to be seriously thinking about awarding them another Superbowl down the line.
Celebrities Behaving Badly: Superbowl Edition February 3, 2012Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment, Scandals, Uncategorized.
Tags: bikini, celebrities, gay, indianapolis, Karina Smirnoff, Madonna, porn, porn convention, ryan seacrest, superbowl, tim tebow
It looks like a good part of the Starship Celebrity crew has beamed down to planet Indianapolis. Madonna had her press conference yesterday and managed not to say anything even remotely controversial. Her biggest revelation was that her kids would be visiting the Indianapolis Children’s Museum. In fact, given the absence of any reported overdoses, catfights, inadvertent hoo-ha barings, or errant shots in strip joint parking lots, the Hollywood crowd might want to consider relocating to the Hoosier state just to keep out of the tabloids. I’m hoping against hope that the weekend will bring something a little more salaciously blog-worthy. Maybe Kelly Clarkson will be photographed in a girl-clinch with Madonna or maybe Mellencamp will get drunk and puke on the zip-line. I’m ever hopeful.
One guy who may or may not be in town for the big game is Denver Broncos quarterback and evangelist Tim Tebow, who, in a delicious twist of irony, found himself staying at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas at the same time as The Adult Entertainment Expo, the Superbowl of porn conventions. Sadly, no one managed to snap a pic of the world’s most famous professional virgin with one of the adult stars, but Tebow himself may have seen something like this:
Truth be told, there’s very little in celebrity misbehavior this week except for Don Cornelius laying down on the Soul Train tracks and Nick Carter’s sister also opting for a quick self-inflicted exit…and neither one of those stories inspires much snark.
So I’m going to briefly touch on some highly anticipated reality TV news. After all, “The Amazing Race” resumes on Febrary 19, just two short weeks after the Superbowl, and in a nod to this year’s political contests, it’s dedicated to the batshit crazy faction. I refer, of course
to the infamous duo of Brendon and Rachel, late of “Big Brother”. For the culturally deprived among you, Rachel is the winner of the last edition of Big Brother and is virtually the poster child for Midol. She has all the emotional stability of a toddler in for her booster vaccines. If she had black hair instead of red, she’d be Rachel Kardashian. Trust me, this is going to be epic reality TV.
Even better, on February 28 they’re going to announce the cast for the next “Dancing With The Stars”. We can only hope that the producers have terminated their love affair with the Kardashians, but maybe there’s room for some more unemployed politicians. I’m pretty sure Newt Gingrich and Michele Bachman will have nothing pressing on their March calendars, and word around town is that Herman Cain has some moves that even Maks hasn’t dreamt of. One thing Maks probably does dream of, maybe in his nightmares, is his ex-fiance Karina Smirnoff:
Karina is currently resting up for the upcoming season in Hawaii after winning the last season with J. R. Martinez, who is currently in…any guesses, boys and girls?…Indianapolis for the Superbowl.
While we’re on the topic of DWTS, two-time champ Julieann Hough gave an interview to “People” about her relationship with “American Idol” host Ryan Seacrest. Let me sum it up for you: “No really, he’s not gay.”
And finally, let’s review Demi Moore, who was good for just about every episode of “Access Hollywood” and “E News” for the entire week. By all reports, she convulsed after smoking something akin to incense. Which brings up the question of why she couldn’t have been satisfied just smoking some standard high quality marijuana, which as my blogmate pointed out this week, is readily available everywhere. This would have had at least two beneficial results. In the first place, no matter how much of it she smoked, she would NEVER have had a seizure. In the second place
it might have caused her to reach for a tuna fish sandwich and a bag of chips. I’m just sayin’…
Superbowl Halftime Hijinks February 2, 2012Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment, Scandals, Sports.
Tags: jay leno, Madonna, nipples, superbowl
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One can only hope that Madonna will represent more impressively for aging rockers than The Who did two years ago. Of one thing we can be certain: Maddona guaranteed on Jay Leno that unlike Janet Jackson, she’ll not be baring any nipples. No problem, Madge…just tell the cameras not to pan too low.
A Wardrobe Malfunction Just Looking For A Place To Happen December 5, 2011Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment, Sports.
Tags: halftime, Madonna, nfl, superbowl
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BIG NEWS! In a bold and courageous move, the NFL has announced that Madonna will be starring in the Depends/Detrol/Cialis/Lipitor Superbowl Halftime Extravaganza.
I, for one, can’t wait.