Weekend Sports Wrap-Up June 17, 2013Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Sports.
Tags: beard, done, merion, par, tiger woods, triple bogey, us open
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My blogmate was watching the NBA finals. I was watching the US Open. Tough course at Merion. How many times do you see one over par as the winning score in a major championship? These guys are usually double digits under par even in places where you and I would need scuba gear to find most of our shots (ok, so I only actually play golf in my fantasy life and dreams, but even there, I expect I’d suck just like at every other sport I’ve ever tried.)
But here’s the question: Is Tiger Woods done? It’s been five years since he last won a major, and 13 over par in this one, including a triple bogey on the second hole with Tiger in his traditional Sunday red shirt, does not exactly breed confidence. Tiger was the odds on favorite to win the US Open…I only wish I’d gone to Vegas and bet the farm that it wouldn’t happen. Coulda, woulda, shoulda…
Here’s a word of advice straight from Mrs. Left, and she’s rarely wrong about anything: Lose the beard, Tiger. Evil look, evil energy, evil results.
It’s Monday. I’m Back. April 15, 2013Posted by Benjamin Wendell in reader interaction, Scandals.
Tags: abortion, anthony wiener, jeffrey dahmer, kermit gosnell, mass murderer, masters, scandal, sex scandal, tiger woods
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Thanks to Dr. Right for maintaining content during my three-day weekend at the far fringes of the furthest outpost of the middle of nowhere, where I had a delightful time playing with the three most gorgeous grandsons on the planet, one of whom is clearly going to win his Nobel before becoming President of the United States while the other two will be Attorney General and Secretary of HHS respectively. It’ll be Camelot II without the Boston accents and the bridge incident.
I had to laugh at the piece Cory posted about the Left-wing “cover-up” of the Anthony Wiener scandal. I’m so far to the left that I make Rachel Maddow look like Rick Santorum’s campaign manager, and I’ve been ruthless in mocking Wiener’s escapades. If I’ve failed to mention that I can’t quite believe this guy is trying to reinvent himself as mayor of New York, it’s only because I’ve been a little busy and preoccupied. But trying to suggest that his internet sex scandal is somehow being underplayed is a perversion of a perversion. Gimme a break.
At the same time, comparing Kermit Gosnell to Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy is hyperbole of the worst kind. Gosnell was an incompetent physician who botched late-term abortions resulting in the deaths of potentially viable fetuses and even mothers. To my knowledge, he took no pleasure in causing pain or death, and no one has accused him of seeking or stalking victims. By the assessment of the anti-abortion zealots, every doctor who performs abortions is a mass murderer. It’s the kind of label they’ve used to give themselves a moral “get-out-of-jail-free” card to intimidate, attack, and murder honest caring dedicated physicians and bomb women’s clinics. Don’t be too concerned that Gosnell’s case is receiving insufficient media attention. I’ll wager that hourly updates will be available on FOX soon enough.
One last bit of news that I only caught glimpses of during the weekend was the Tiger Woods mini-scandal at this weekend’s Masters Tournament. Questions for my blogmate, the sports maven: Did Tiger deliberately cheat? Or did he get cheated? Was a two-stroke penalty appropriate or should he have been disqualified? Should he have disqualified himself? I think Mrs. Left had the most pertinent point on Tiger’s woes:
He needs to lose the stupid beard. As long as he looks like Mephistopheles, the world is going to treat him like hell.
Celebrities Behaving Badly: No More Thumbs April 5, 2013Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment, Scandals.
Tags: charlton heston, cory monteith, devon james, funny or die, girlfriend, jim carrey, lea michele, lindsey vonn, nra, open marriage, rehab, tiger woods, will smith
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Roger Ebert’s wife says he smiled right before he died, “no struggle, no pain, just a quiet dignified transition.” Roger Ebert was cool even in death. And his passing is just about the most notable thing any celebrity did all week.
In the name of tiger blood, Adonis DNA, and all that is holy, I’m begging that someone makes a sex tape, records a profane tirade, or slips out of the Escalade sans panties. C’mon people, I’m dyin’ here.
Alright, to be completely honest, there was a little celebrity douchebaggery the last few days, and we might as well review the few and far between transgressions. We already learned last week that Lea Michele is raging diva bitch on set. Apparently it’s driven her boyfriend, Cory Monteith, to drink and drugs. He’s checking himself into rehab (which in celebrity terms is about as startling as me popping some Maalox after a little too much salsa on the bean burrito).
Lea says she loves Cory and will stand by him through this…which brings the over/under down to about six months. Look for Lea with John Mayer by Christmas.
In the “wish I’d said that” category, Jim Carrey, who was pummeled by conservatives after posting a Charleton Heston NRA parody on “Funny or Die”, called FOX News “a media colostomy bag” and “a giant culture fart”. Hey, stop me when I’m lyin’. Carrey’s brilliant anti-gun skit got the most traffic in the history of Funny or Die, which is no small accomplishment. It’s worth five minutes of your day.
And while we’re talking comedians and politics, Bill Maher is in trouble with the Catholic League for failing to appropriately honor their new Pope and assaulting their delicate sensibilities with lines like, “What other business could you be in where your company gets caught running a child sex ring since forever and you still keep your customers?” They insist that HBO have a serious talk with Mr. Maher. From what I can see, Bill isn’t too worried:
Jon Hamm is fed up with people talking about his dick. I feel the same way. I have no patience for small talk.
And Emma Watson is channeling my favorite film character of all time:
Sort of gives Hermione’s magic “tricks” a whole new meaning.
That would be Tiger Woods driver-rider #16. This was her comment on Tiger’s new love, skier Lindsey Vonn: “You know when the pics came out of Tiger and his new girlfriend — somewhere, 15 other girls were going, ‘Huh? I thought I was his girlfriend!’ ”
In a not entirely dissimilar vein, Jada Pinkett Smith was asked in an interview about the long-standing rumors that she and Will Smith have an “open marriage“. Her reply: “I’ve always told Will, ‘You can do whatever you want as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and be okay.” I’m guessing that Will is all smiles while shaving in the dark.
Continuing with the theme, Paula Patton, Robin Thicke’s wife, was asked what she thought of Thicke covorting with a trio of topless models in his video “Blurred Lines” (which I posted for you last week, but which had been taken down by YouTube by that afternoon). She had no problem with it. Maybe the part where one of the models spells out “Robin Thicke Has A Big Dick” in mylar balloons has something to do with her approval.
You know what Tiger says:
That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.
Money Talks February 20, 2013Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Politics, Sports.
Tags: golf, keystone pipeline, lobby, money, natural gas, oil, tiger woods
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And bullshit walks the links.
I had no problem when Obama played a round with Tiger Woods. I’m pretty sure the adultery lobby doesn’t have a big voice in the Oval Office. Ashley Madison isn’t dictating policy on deficit reduction and revenue enhancement. But I despair of any real change ever occurring in Washington when it is disclosed that on the same weekend that 40,000 Americans showed up on the mall in DC to protest the Keystone Pipeline, the president was shooting a round and shooting the shit with two big-money Texas businessmen with links to the oil and gas industries. My blogmate asks what the delay in okaying the pipeline is. I’ll tell you. The president needs just a little more time on the clock so he can placate lefties like me into believing that he gave it the old college try, and then some of the dirtiest crude since Larry Flynt published his first Hustler can start flowing down from Canada like cholera-laced excrement through a Somali refugee. Sorry for any inconvenience. Nine iron, please.
Why Hasn’t “The Tiger Rule” Gone Viral? September 20, 2012Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment, Journalism, Politics.
Tags: ac 360, Anderson Cooper, anthony weiner, cell phone video, howard fineman, lamestream media, mel gibson, mitt romney, rachel maddow, the tiger rule, tiger woods
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As Howard Fineman has noted, and contrary to the right-wing spin on the “lamestream media”, it’s not the coverage of the Mitt Romney 47% abomination that’s gone viral, it’s the 48 minute cell phone video itself. That video has already been viewed a couple million times. It’s 2012, and “The Tiger Rule” applies. Here’s what Fineman says: It’s also worth noting that in these times, almost no event — even with Secret Service in the vicinity, as was the case at that Florida fundraiser — can be serenely and confidently viewed as off the record. Not when every phone is a video camera, and every camera is HD. In 1963 and maybe even in 1993, a politician could get away with denying that he said a particular thing or that his words were taken out of context. Not today. The classic explanation of “This isn’t what it looks like” doesn’t hold much water when what it looks like is proudly displayed in high definition video and surround sound.
I pointed this phenomenon out years ago and dubbed it “The Tiger Rule” in honor of Tiger Woods and his humiliating series of sexting messages. It’s proved accurate and timely in instance after instance, from Tiger Woods to Anthony Weiner to Mel Gibson to Prince Harry and dozens in between. So why hasn’t Anderson Cooper once invoked “The Tiger Rule” on AC 360 and why hasn’t Rachel Maddow ever used it as “the best new thing in the world today”? What’s a guy gotta do?
Celebrities Behaving Badly: Adults Only Edition November 11, 2011Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment, Scandals, Sports.
Tags: "Sex" book, America's Got Talent, Ashton Kutcher, Billy Chrystal, chaz bono, eddie murphy, howard stern, Joe Paterno, Madonna, Oscars, tiger woods, tweets
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Look, it’s in incredibly poor taste to wring any levity out of the Penn State scandal, but they didn’t reserve that luxury suite in hell for me for nothing. I know I can’t have been the only one thinking this, because I heard it this morning from a friend, who for his own protection and dignity shall remain anonymous: The only way it could have been worse is if it had happened at Notre Dame. Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
The other guy who’s in trouble for making light of the Pedophilia State (whoops, I meant Penn State) scandal is Ashton Kutcher. He tweeted something about how, as a Hawkeye fan, he found it in poor taste to fire JoePa. It took him about five nanoseconds to begin tweeting the retractions, apologies, and mea culpas. What he should be apologizing for is his pitiful portrayal of the Charlie Sheen wannabe on “Two And A Half Men”. As for Ashton and Demi, depending on which gossip rag you want to believe, they are or are not getting a divorce. If I had to make a guess, I’d say they have some sort of “arrangement”. No matter what, they’ve beat the 72-day mark several times over.
Speaking of child abuse, guess who had a “tortured” childhood. Naturally, it was Madonna. I mean, didn’t all celebrities have tortured childhoods? (Well, maybe not Ron Howard…except for that one incident with Sheriff Andy and Otis back behind the jailhouse…but that was probably just a vicious rumor [note: completely fictitious. I made that up.] ) Madonna said kids in school used to refer to her as “hairy monster”.
I had a copy of her “Sex” book back in the 80′s and I sort of get their point. Oh well, the say success is the best revenge.
Here’s a bit of good news for me. I’ll probably never have to watch another episode of old guys riding unicycles while farting “The Star Spangled Banner” on “America’s Got Talent”. There’s talk that Howard Stern is in talks to replace judge Piers Morgan on the show, and Mrs. Left hates Howard Stern.
I suppose the biggest news of the week is the other replacement host. Eddie Murphy bowed out of hosting the Oscar Awards after his buddy producer Brett Ratner got canned for remarking, “Rehearse? Only fags rehearse,” (which might explain why so many of them are such fabulous entertainers, but maybe that’s just my take on it). It would have been the perfect irony and the perfect instant karma if the new producer had snagged Neil Patrick Harris for the gig, but he went instead with Billy Chrystal…which I suppose begs the question; why didn’t they just pick Billy Chrystal in the first place? In fact, why doesn’t Chrystal have the job for life, or until Bob Hope is resurrected, whichever comes first?
Ok, so Nancy Grace got evicted on DWTS this week so she can go back to raging about abused children fulltime, and her own children won’t have to suffer the indignity of seeing their mommy turn a jive into a reason for the paramedics to be on instant standby. And speaking of DWTS and watching painful celebrity dances, almost nothing could have made watching Chaz Bono less awkward and uncomfortable, except for maybe this:
Thanks, Chaz. We get it, we get it…you really really want to be a guy. But that thing on your face was just awful. As for the rest of the package…oh, never mind.
In the category of “What’s lower than D-list celebrities?”: Octomom Nadya Suleman Takes On Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher In Boxing Match (Old joke: Have you seen Amy Fisher’s appearance on Jay Leno?…No, but I’ve seen her box.)
Finally, Tiger is back on top…of a golfing tournament, not a Vegas cocktail waitress. Woods leads the Australian Open after two rounds. It’s an encouraging sign. And given the sports scandal that hit the headlines this week, we ought to have a little perspective and cut Woods some slack. Tiger may have been boorish and fidelity-challenged, but his addiction was to FULL GROWN ADULT WOMEN. Sort of refreshing when you look at it that way, huh?
Is Every Racial Comment A Racist Comment? November 5, 2011Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Politics, Sports.
Tags: black, caddies, racist, Steve Williams, tiger woods
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I suppose so, if our ultimate aim is to be completely color-blind, but it seems to me that we take it too far in this era of political correctness. Tiger Woods’ ex-caddie, Steve Williams, is in hot water for making a joke about his former boss during a caddie’s award roast in Shanghai. He was talking about his jubilant celebration after his new boss, Adam Scott, won the Bridgestone International, and said of Tiger, “It was my aim to shove it right up that black ass.” I’ll admit the comment was crude and racially tinged, but it was also off-the-cuff and it was uttered at a sporting event populated by guys who spend their lives in locker rooms. We’ve got to have some flexibility of context. Things said in campaign speechs by candidates for high office or by doctors in discussions with patients or by CEO’s with thousands of employees ought to have a different standard than comments by sports figures, comedians, combat troops,or coal miners…especially when the comments in question are supposed to be jokes. I promise not to be offended if someone makes reference to my sagging white ass. Really.
Friday Wrap-Up: Celebrities Behaving Badly: Diva Edition September 2, 2011Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment, Scandals.
Tags: anal sex, Beyonce, divorce.Lady Gaga, elin nordegren, Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony, penis prothesis, player, pregnant, Sinead O'Connor, tiger woods
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Ok, so Beyonce is with child. Woo hoo! To her Hollywood credit, she has an actual husband. The over/under on Beyonce regaining her pre-pregnancy figure is about six weeks. Anyone can do it…as long as they have unlimited funds, a personal chef, a personal trainer, a nanny, an indoor pool, and a gym in the basement that would make an LA fitness club look like a flophouse.
It’s a good thing that Beyonce is married to Jay-Z and not Kanye West, at least to hear ex-girlfriend Amber Rose tell it. She tweeted “Watch The Throne is as wack as Kanye’s dick anyway.” For those of you who, like me, neither tweet nor speak hip hop, I’m here to translate. “Watch The Throne” is a collaberative rap album from Kanye West and the aforementioned Jay-Z. “Wack”, in this context, refers to something considered weak or lame. I suppose Amber Rose would be in a position to know, but I’ll let you judge for yourself by checking this image of “Little Kanye” that West reportedly tweeted to several lady friends in 2010. It makes me wonder just how high the bar is set for Ms. Rose…
Lady Gaga showed up as her male doppelganger Jo Calderone at the MTV Video Music Awards.
I thought she did a credible job of acting like a male greaser, probably better than Prince, who her Jo Calderone persona closely resembles. But I had no idea of how deeply Gaga believes in method acting, since she reportedly wore a penis prothesis with the rest of her costume the whole night. If it came with a set of balls, she might want to consider sending them off to President Obama, who seems to have misplaced his own right after the 2008 election. She could even autograph them if he’s a fan.
Remember Sinead O’Connor, who is probably most famous for her 1992 Saturday Night Live appearance, where she tore up a photograph of Pope John Paul II?
Well, she’s still around, and by her own account, she’s…well, lonely. She’s posted a personal ad on the internet looking for a sexual partner of either gender, with but one requirement. Her future lover must be adept at anal intercourse. Those with an aversion to back-door lovin’ need not apply. Oh, those wacky Irish.
Speaking of a fondness for assholes, it looks as if Tiger’s ex, Elin Nordegren, didn’t learn much from her experience with Mr. “I routinely do eighteen holes in three hours.” Her current beau, Jamie Dingman (yep, that’s really his last name), is reportedly dinging all the best looking beach bunnies in Europe. But Elin probably figures that she can either change him or round out the half billion she missed on the last divorce. Good luck with that.
The last diva under scrutiny this week is Jennifer Lopez. Her soon to be ex, Marc Anthony, is finally out there telling his story for inquiring minds like you and me (well, me at least). Sadly, he claims there were no affairs on either side, which doesn’t add any interest if you happen to be writing a blog. It would be way more interesting if the rumor that Jennifer Lopez’s husband was sleeping with Will Smith’s wife came to fruition, but so far it’s being denied by all involved. So, instead, I’ll leave you wondering what Ms. Atomic Booty saw in this scrawny guy with bad facial hair in the first place:
Maybe it’s whatever Amber Rose thought Kanye West was missing. But that would be wack.
It’s Friday: Time For Celebrities Behaving Badly May 13, 2011Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment, Scandals.
Tags: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ashton Kutcher, Charlie Sheen, dancing with the stars, Demi Moore, divorce, genital, Heather Mills, herpes, Kirsty Ally, Marie Shriver, open marriage, tiger woods
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Ok, so first in the “build your own joke” category, is the following headline (with a tip of the hat to friend-of-the-blog Cathy H.):
For Tiger, that barely constitutes a busy afternoon.
Then we have Kirstie Alley, who is wildly funny and doing a fabulous job on “Dancing With The Stars”, and who has clearly lost a lot of weight while rehearsing six hours a day for the last two months. But she actually said that she’s now down to a size 4 or 6:
Umm, is that American or metric?
In the category of “scandal you haven’t yet heard about but will soon” is the story of a woman who is suing an unnamed A-list Hollywood celebrity for $20 million for knowingly giving her herpes during an encounter in a Las Vegas hotel. That’s amusing enough, but what will make you snort milk through your nose is this TMZ video that asks the question “Would you take a case of genital herpes for $20 million?”
In the category of “she’s well rid of him” we have Jesse James claiming on the Howard Stern show that Kat Von D is “100% better in bed than Sandra Bullock”. In the first place, even saying such a thing is rude, tasteless, and of questionable veracity. In the second place, anyone would take one look at Kat Von D and worry about that $20 million dollar issue above. Lastly, even if Sandra Bullock was as frigid as Green Bay in January, you’d still wake up in the morning and think, “I’m sleeping with Sandra Bullock”. That’s hot.
Speaking of adultery in high places, word on the street is that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s marital problems stem directly from the ex-gov’s proclivity for housing “little Arnold” in places he ought not go. That would be suspicious claim if not for Schwarzenegger’s somewhat spotted history prior to his stay in Sacramento. The words “serial-groper” come to mind.
No surprise here: Matthew Perry Heads Back To Rehab Maybe he watched a couple episodes of “Mr. Sunshine”. If that doesn’t make you want to gobble a handful of pills, nothing will.
And the Sonny Bono award goes to: Heather Mills Hospitalized After Ski Accident This would be a sicker joke if she’d broken her leg, but alas, it was her scapula.
Finally, in the “he seems like way too nice a guy” category: Ashton Kutcher To Replace Charlie Sheen On Two And A Half Men On the other hand, maybe Chuck Lorre knows what he’s doing: Ashton Kutcher And Demi Moore Have Open Marriage, Threesomes. It’s good to be a celebrity.
Oh, Please Please Let It Be True October 4, 2010Posted by Benjamin Wendell in Entertainment, Scandals, Sports.
Tags: sex tape, tiger woods, video
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Judging from his performance in the Ryder Cup, a career in porn may be the way to go anyway.